yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
