I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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