Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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