Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
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