you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
