I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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