i think i have herpe
just one?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
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