I puked a lego.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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