remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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