I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
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