I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
