I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
