Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
