just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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