I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
