Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
