last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
