I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
