Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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