just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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