I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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