her vagine was all disorganized.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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