I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
