Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
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