First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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