when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
