First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize