My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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