They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize