wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
