Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
