If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize