It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
