I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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