One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
