some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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