I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
