my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
