no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Randomize