You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
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