So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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