I seem to have left my pride at pride
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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