I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
