I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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