Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
3 2 1 whiskey
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
