Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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