Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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