Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Hippo gnu deer
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
