burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
