i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
