My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
