I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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