I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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