Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
