I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
