Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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