Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize