i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
