As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
