There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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