I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
