you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
