I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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