someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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