how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize