apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
