I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
