Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
