you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
