Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
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