I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You are the jesus of drinking
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize